From slehma–(at)–armony-central.com Mon Aug 18 22:41:11 CDT 1997
Article: 189378 of alt.guitar
Path: geraldo.cc.utexas.edu!cs.utexas.edu!howland.erols.net!infeed1.internetmci.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!207.126.101.73!supernews.com!Supernews70!wilson3.prado.com!user
From: slehma–(at)–armony-central.com (Scott Lehman)
Newsgroups: alt.guitar,rec.music.makers.guitar
Subject: New Signature Guitars (Humor)
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 18:39:40 -0700
Organization: Harmony Central
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Xref: geraldo.cc.utexas.edu alt.guitar:189378 rec.music.makers.guitar:155051

Here’s a bunch of spoof signature guitars. This is actually the result of
other people’s creativity and not my own, but I found them fairly amusing
so I compiled them into this listing. I don’t think too many people will
find this offensive, so if you have an open mind, enjoy …

Scott

Janet Reno Strat – so damn ugly everyone’s afraid to play it.

Eddie Murphy Les Paul – changes from a LP to a strat in the middle of a gig.

O.J. Simpson Strat – comes with a leather case it won’t quite fit into.

Gerald Ford Tele – keeps falling off the stand.

Pamela Lee Strat – really big knobs.

Pee Wee Herman LP – plays itself.

Ross Perot Tele – changes tuning in the middle of a song. Goes back into
tune on the next song.

Oprah Winfrey Acoustic – gets smaller and smaller but eventually goes back
to dreadnought.

Richard Nixon Strat – All recordings of it mysteriously lose 10 minutes of
material

Bill Gates Tele – Official release in 6 months.

Bill Clinton strat: It smokes, but don’t inhale!

Liz Taylor strat…you couldn’t afford it if you wanted it.

Continental Airlines Strat – shows up at the wrong gig

The “Lizzie Borden” SG. It’s a killer axe.

Tutankhamon Tele– swaddled in its strap and left in its case for 3,000 yrs.

The “Go Ugly Early” BC Rich…The closer to 2AM it is, the better it looks…

The Courtney Love Jag-Stang – Only popular ’cause it was fingered by Kurt
Cobain

John the Baptist model– waterlogged and missing its headstock

Howard Stern model – sounds like shit but you just can’t put it down

Rush Limbaugh model – only plays the songs it wants to because the others
are stupid

Kurt Cobain Steinberger guitar-headless model

The Gibson RuPaul with optional whammy bar

Al Gore LP — body is solid mahogany

Demi More Strat–Only has a “G” string.

Rosanne strat…weighs a ton and has awful tone… especially when doing
the Star Bangled Banner.

Hendrix Strat – Strung backwards and turned upside down for righties!
Reverse Logo too!

George Bush LP – For those who promised their spouse : “No new axes”

Bill Clinton Strat – Sounds like a strat, but really is an LP … You die
in a plane crash if you try to reveal the truth.

Ronald Reagan LP – You can never pay it off.

Jacques Cousteau signature model reviewed … Trem great for dives, but
heavy strings can cause painful bends. Sounds okay w/o reverb or other
effects, but best suited for playing wet, whether new wave, surf or
calypso– if you don’t mind the generally nasal tone. 4 octave range,
>from Low C to High C. Made of Basswood, aqua finish with abalone inlays
and mother of pearl pickguard (who needs toilet seats out here?). This is
a true “Captain’s Log”, so expect to shell out a lot of clams for this
baby.

————————————————————————
| Scott Lehman slehma–(at)–armony-central.com |
| Harmony Central Musicians Resource – http://www.harmony-central.com/ |
| “We didn’t want a victory, we just wanted to fight” – New Model Army |
————————————————————————

 

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